The Experience Called Life

This BLOG is dedicated to telling my sons story of his trials and tribulations with Asperger's Syndrome, ADHD, PTSD, Anxiety/Panic Attacks, Sexual Abuse and his struggle to overcome them. This blog is also for people to share their own personal stories and life experiences. We wish to provide a sounding board for some of the everyday struggles in life. Share your hardships, challenges, thoughts and beliefs. The moments that impact our lives the most. PLEASE SHARE!

Saturday, August 23, 2014

LIFE IS TO SHORT

TAKE A CHANCE ON FAITH

Post by Karim Metwaly.

Monday, July 21, 2014

LESSONS IN LIFE

Sunday, July 20, 2014

MORE CHANCES

I'M STRONGER BECAUSE I HAD TO BE

GOD BLESS YOU

FEEL THE RAIN

WITHOUT COMPASSION

FIGHTING TO SURVIVE

STEPPING STONES

HOW MUCH CAN ONE TAKE?

I had made a decision last October to move in with a friend to help share expenses. Within a period of a week the move turned out not to be a good idea. We had been forced to move back into our old house.

The expenses of the move cost quite a bit of money. As a result we had been fighting tooth and nail to get caught up with our bills.

At the time my son was employed at Walmart. Needless to say Walmart's hours are not consistent. Part-time employee's are subject to Walmart's budget weekly. It seems they can never balance the budget. One week an employee may work 35 hours and the next week only 15. It is very hard to count on any sort of average income.

My son eventually left Walmart to work as a stock man at a local store. It had been a Godsend. He was making over $100.00 more a week. It was steady income. We had begun to get caught up with our bills. Literally, the light was at the end of the tunnel!

Well this all came to an end.

In the next two weeks following my sons suicide attempt we have been overrun with more crisis. My son lost his job. Everything just went down hill.

Our gas was turned off. The electricity was turned off a week later. We had no lights, Internet and no phone. To top it off on the day our gas was turned off we got another surprise. I looked out the window and seen a police car in front of my house. My son's car had expired license plates because we had not had the money. The cop put a ticket on my son's car and a tow sticker. The car was going to be towed the same day.

I just could not believe it. Why now? Why at this point in time did this have to happen?

My son still weak from his suicide attempt and I had to clean out the garage to put the car inside. This was not a small feat given the fact that the garage had not been touched since the move last year. We had just moved all the boxes and furniture inside the garage.

We finally managed to push the car into the garage. My son and I were literally exhausted both physically and mentally. All the physical stress caused the wounds on his arms to open. He was bleeding again. Exhausted my son cleaned his wounds and went to bed.

Seeing my son like this and all these issues we were experiencing just felt like I was in a nightmare. Everything seemed surreal. I just laid on my bed staring at the ceiling thinking "What are we going to do?"

I suffer from Agoraphobia, PTSD, Severe Anxiety and Panic Attacks and physical ailments. I am on Social Security Disability resulting from years of traumatic life changing events. I have not worked in five years. This turn of events has just taken its toll once more.

I kept saying to myself, "Why? What is the lesson to be learned from all of this?" I cried out "Lord, I cannot take this anymore! I am tired. Please help me dear Lord." I do not know what it was but I just stopped crying and fell asleep.

When I woke up my mind had cleared. I started to think of my past and how I was able to overcome so many obstacles. My son and I have been on this road before. We have had our gas turned off. We went through a whole winter on space heaters and a lot of blankets. We cooked on electric hot plates and heated our water.

We had the electricity turned off more than once. The most memorable was on my son's birthday. I will never forget how sad my son was that day. I did everything I could to make it into an adventure. We played games in the candlelight. We were the Adventurers! I told him stories of how at one time just sitting in a house with candlelight was a luxury. I would dare say this was probably one of my sons most memorable birthdays both good and bad. We laugh about it till this day.

I kept thinking about the people around me and what they have been through. I had especially thought of my friend Ken. He had just been through a two year terrible divorce battle. He lost everything, his house, his savings and most of all his stepson. "My ex-wife poisoned his mind", Ken stated. He had to move back in with his parents. This is not even the worst of it. Two years ago he had a heart attack from all the stress. Prior to that he had had a stroke.

He is unemployed and was still forced to pay half of his wife's legal expenses in sixty days post divorce. Where was he going to come up with $8,000.00 with no job? He informed the judge of his situation. She told him that if he did not come up with the money he would go to jail. She informed him he would then have to sell what assets he had. This included his truck and tools. By trade he was a mechanic and needed those tools to do his job.

He wound up borrowing some of the money from his parents. This caused so much tension in the household. They were arguing all the time. Then one day Ken just packed up his stuff and disappeared. No one knew where he was.

Sometime later he came to my house and we talked all night. He told me he had a breakdown. He said, "Gianna. I just could not take it anymore. I was thinking of killing himself. " We talked things out. He left seemingly much happier than when he arrived.

Over time we have become closer. We are now each others sounding board. He recently confided in me that his doctor informed him he just had a mild stroke. She told him he has to have heart surgery right away. If not, he is at risk of having another heart attack which could be fatal. Not only does that concern me but he has not told anyone, not even his parents. He is a walking time bomb and living each day with courage and determination!

I thought to myself, my situation is nothing compared to his. We are going to be able to get through this I shouted with great determination. I do not know how but all I know is, it is in God's hands.

I WISH FOR YOU

Friday, July 11, 2014

MY SONS STORY: CHAPTER 2 - SUICIDE ATTEMPT - Continued

Back to the Present

My son had been arguing with his girlfriend for sometime now. He had mentioned that she kept threatening to break up with him for about a month.

This along with the pressures of work, college and our financial issues had him extremely stressed. Also, the long awaited trial for the Sexual Molestation and Sexual Abuse charges and the 8 counts Attempted Murder Charges against Lowell had been continued again. This was now four years and counting.

My son left for work at 3:50 pm that day. He worked the night shift at a neighborhood store as a stock man. He had just gotten the job about 4 months earlier.

The boss had told my son two weeks prior to start looking for another job. His boss Shane stated my son was to disorganized and the job was just not for him. Shane mentioned that he would give him sometime to find another job. Shane stated to me prior to this "He did not want to just throw him out. I really like your son."

However, that day his boss kept yelling at my son. Angelo later told me.

About an hour later after arriving at work my son - Angelo text me. He had said that he was very upset because his girlfriend Shari had broken up with him. He stated "What if I do not live anymore? Would you take revenge on Shari?" I told him to stop talking that way. I said, "Angelo, you need to focus on work. We can talk about it when you get home."

Time passed. I text him. I asked, "How are you doing?" He said, "Mom I just snapped. I can't handle this anymore." I said, "Angelo, you cannot afford to lose your job. We will lose everything. You need to focus." He did not reply.

We are having major financial issues due to loss of medical benefits, car repairs, and other unexpected expenses. I had managed to make some progress with the finances since Angelo started his new job. He was making $100.00 more a week than he was at last job. So we were finally seeing the "light at the end of the tunnel".

A few minutes later he text. "Mom, I do not want to live anymore." I again stated," We cannot afford for you to lose your job. You need to get it together. Please please stop talking foolish. We will talk when you get home."

Minutes later I got a phone call. It was my ex-husband. He said, "Angelo called me. He told me he swallowed a whole bunch of pills and slit his wrists. You need to go to his work and see if he is okay." I said, "He would not do that. He is fine.He always says stupid things when he gets upset" We kept going back and forth. I started yelling. "I said so what so he dies. Oh well. Where the hell are you?" I hung up the phone.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I SAID THAT! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? There is no excuse.

I tried calling my son again. NO ANSWER. Seconds later I received a jumbled text from my son. I then knew he really did something. I could not believe it. I thought he was just blowing off steam. I did not believe he would try to commit suicide. I was running around my house trying to find my shoes and heard a knock at my door. It was the police!

I opened the door yelling "WHAT!!!" "Ma'am, we received a phone call from your ex-husband. He said your son is trying to commit suicide." I said, "Yes, I know I am trying to find my shoes." He looked at me puzzled. I then said, "He is not here. He is at work." I then told him where he works. I said, "I will out in a moment." I closed the door.

I looked down and my shoes where right in front of me. I grabbed them at rushed out the door. To my dismay the officer was gone. My son had the car so the only way I could get to my son's job was to run there.

I turned the corner only to be met by four squad cars. I ran into the store and was told by Shane, the store manager that the police said we were to stay in front. I tried to stay but I couldn't. I did not know what to do. They would not let me see my son.

I then thought immediately of asking for his phone. Maybe then I could see him. They would not let me. I then thought I will call his girlfriend to ask what happened. I realized I could not call her because I needed his phone. I did not know the number. I asked again for the phone. The officer stated " We are a little busy right now trying to revive your son." "Trying to revive my son?", I questioned.

I then became more upset. All I could think of is that I needed his phone. I kept yelling out " I need his phone". I felt helpless. I did not know what to do.

The officer that had Lowell arrested came up to me and asked if I remembered her. I immediately recognized her. She tried to calm me down. I asked if he was okay. She said "Angelo is unconscious. He lost a lot of blood. He cut his wrists. He also took some pills." "What? He is bleeding and took pills? Is he going to be okay?" We do not know the ambulance is on its way, she said. I asked, "If I could get his phone?" She walked back to where Angelo was. The ambulance arrived moments later. She came back and stated "The other officer will give it to you in a minute. They are working on Angelo right now."

I do not know what was wrong with me. Why in the hell was that damn phone so important? Later, I realized it was some sort of lifeline. I JUST HAD TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED? I really do not even know how to explain it. I am still puzzled by it.

My mind was whirling. I looked around me. I came to realization that I was standing in the middle of the store as customers kept walking in and staring. I was crying and shaking real bad. Everything was spinning. I felt like the life has been sucked out of me. I told the officer I was going outside. I needed to calm down.

I waited for what seemed like an eternity. The ambulance driver came out of the store and told me to go to the hospital. "We will meet you there", he stated. I told the ambulance driver my son has the keys. As I was talking to the ambulance driver a police officer came out of the store.

He told me to ride in the ambulance and that I was in no shape to drive. I got into the ambulance. I do not know why but I still kept asking for that damn phone! The ambulance drove to the back of the store. They loaded my son into the ambulance. Then all I heard is that "HIS HEART IS STOPPING!"

The world stood still......

TO BE CONTINUED.......

Thursday, July 10, 2014

NEVER BE ASHAMED OF A SCAR

MY SONS STORY: CHAPTER 1 - POST SUICIDE ATTEMPT

It has been 5 days since my son's suicide attempt. My mind is still simply whirling.

These past 5 days I have been simply running on adrenaline. Today I crashed! I was down for the count.

I was woken up at 6pm by my son. He had also slept all day. Even though I slept all day I was still extremely tired. I was supposed to have a friend come over to visit. I called him and asked if we could see each other tomorrow.

All I wanted to do was to go back to sleep. Try as I may I could not.

Over the course of the evening I felt like I was running on auto pilot. Everything around me was surreal. Reality had started to set in for my son and myself. I asked my son how was he doing. He replied "I am okay."

What do you ask a person that is in so much pain? I am at a complete loss for words. Believe me it is only on a rare occasion that I am at a loss for words.

I then looked into my sons eyes and I seen so much pain and confusion. He uttered, "I still can't believe what I did?" his head hanging down. My heart wrenched with sadness and pain. This was my son, my baby boy! Try as I may I was unable to protect him again.

From the time my son was born he was different as he calls it. My husband and I also realized at a very young age that my son would need some kind of additional assistance. We were not entirely sure what kind of assistance, but we just knew. Around the age of six we were informed that my son had ADHD. A few years later after extensive testing we were also informed he had Asperger's Syndrome.

So all of his life I had done my best to take care of him and protect him. However, it was not good enough.

Our nightmare began when my husband and I divorced. I was a single mother working full time in a very demanding job. I worked for a boss who did not seem to comprehend the demands of special needs child. So I had to work extra long hours to compensate for my sons demands. Looking back it is ironic though because our company worked with special needs children.

All I ever heard is, "I do not understand why you cannot get your shit together. Sunny has a special needs son and comes to work on time. She does not need to leave work all the time." My reply, "Sunny is married. Her husband takes up slack. I do not have anyone."

Over the years I was haunted by those words. My boss would throw it in my face each time I had any issues because of my son. He used this to pressure me and make me feel guilty. I started to bring work home. This only exasperated the issue.

One day I met a man at work. He was single and about 15 years younger than me. I often called him the "Big Kid" . We soon became good friends. We did not have much in common but my son took to him right away. He was like a BIG BROTHER to him.

Over time I began to trust him. He became a big part of our lives. He became part of our family. I thought to myself one day, "Thank you Lord for bringing Lowell into our lives." Over the next few months Lowell helped pick up the slack. My boss started to let up about my son because I did not have to leave work very often anymore.

One day several months later my son started to act out more than usual. I had to have him hospitalized. That is when he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.When I received the diagnosis I was relieved in a way, there was now a name to my son's issues.

I then proceeded to read every book I could. I spent ever spare minute I had looking for information on how to deal with a child with Asperger's Syndrome. Eventually I felt like I had become an expert in the field. As a result, throughout my sons education I had strongly advocated for my sons rights. I fought the school system tooth and nail.

Over the years the mere mention of my name sent the faculty running in the other direction, I was told! So as you can see I thought I did everything I could. I went as far not to introduce my son to anyone I dated. I did the best I could to protect my son. Maybe I was just to overprotective. Maybe I was not protective enough. Maybe I am just trying to rationalize my guilt. So many "maybe's".

On Easter, about 4 years ago my son came home from a weekend with his girlfriend and her parents. He looked so upset. He was crying. I kept asking him what was wrong with him but he asked if I could just leave him alone. After about an hour he came out of his room and shouted, "Mom, Lowell has been sexually molesting me while you were at work since I was 8 years old."

I said, "What?" He repeated it again. I still could not comprehend what he said. I then repeated the words but they were just that, words. The words would not sink in. I could not believe what I was hearing. I WAS IN SHOCK!

TO BE CONTINUED.......