MY SONS STORY: CHAPTER 1 - POST SUICIDE ATTEMPT

It has been 5 days since my son's suicide attempt. My mind is still simply whirling.

These past 5 days I have been simply running on adrenaline. Today I crashed! I was down for the count.

I was woken up at 6pm by my son. He had also slept all day. Even though I slept all day I was still extremely tired. I was supposed to have a friend come over to visit. I called him and asked if we could see each other tomorrow.

All I wanted to do was to go back to sleep. Try as I may I could not.

Over the course of the evening I felt like I was running on auto pilot. Everything around me was surreal. Reality had started to set in for my son and myself. I asked my son how was he doing. He replied "I am okay."

What do you ask a person that is in so much pain? I am at a complete loss for words. Believe me it is only on a rare occasion that I am at a loss for words.

I then looked into my sons eyes and I seen so much pain and confusion. He uttered, "I still can't believe what I did?" his head hanging down. My heart wrenched with sadness and pain. This was my son, my baby boy! Try as I may I was unable to protect him again.

From the time my son was born he was different as he calls it. My husband and I also realized at a very young age that my son would need some kind of additional assistance. We were not entirely sure what kind of assistance, but we just knew. Around the age of six we were informed that my son had ADHD. A few years later after extensive testing we were also informed he had Asperger's Syndrome.

So all of his life I had done my best to take care of him and protect him. However, it was not good enough.

Our nightmare began when my husband and I divorced. I was a single mother working full time in a very demanding job. I worked for a boss who did not seem to comprehend the demands of special needs child. So I had to work extra long hours to compensate for my sons demands. Looking back it is ironic though because our company worked with special needs children.

All I ever heard is, "I do not understand why you cannot get your shit together. Sunny has a special needs son and comes to work on time. She does not need to leave work all the time." My reply, "Sunny is married. Her husband takes up slack. I do not have anyone."

Over the years I was haunted by those words. My boss would throw it in my face each time I had any issues because of my son. He used this to pressure me and make me feel guilty. I started to bring work home. This only exasperated the issue.

One day I met a man at work. He was single and about 15 years younger than me. I often called him the "Big Kid" . We soon became good friends. We did not have much in common but my son took to him right away. He was like a BIG BROTHER to him.

Over time I began to trust him. He became a big part of our lives. He became part of our family. I thought to myself one day, "Thank you Lord for bringing Lowell into our lives." Over the next few months Lowell helped pick up the slack. My boss started to let up about my son because I did not have to leave work very often anymore.

One day several months later my son started to act out more than usual. I had to have him hospitalized. That is when he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.When I received the diagnosis I was relieved in a way, there was now a name to my son's issues.

I then proceeded to read every book I could. I spent ever spare minute I had  looking for information on how to deal with a child with Asperger's Syndrome. Eventually I felt like I had become an expert in the field. As a result, throughout my sons education I had strongly advocated for my sons rights. I fought the school system tooth and nail.

Over the years the mere mention of my name sent the faculty running in the other direction, I was told! So as you can see I  thought I did everything I could. I went as far not to introduce my son to anyone I dated. I did the best I could to protect my son. Maybe I was just to overprotective. Maybe I was not protective enough. Maybe I am just trying to rationalize my guilt. So many "maybe's".

On Easter, about 4 years ago my son came home from a weekend with his girlfriend and her parents. He looked so upset. He was crying. I kept asking him what was wrong with him but he asked if I could just leave him alone. After about an hour he came out of his room and shouted, "Mom, Lowell has been sexually molesting me while you were at work since I was 8 years old."

I said, "What?" He repeated it again. I still could not comprehend what he said. I then repeated the words but they were just that, words. The words would not sink in.  I could not believe what I was hearing. I WAS IN SHOCK!


TO BE CONTINUED.......